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Jokes 1 – 10
Why can’t programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31== Dec 25
I could tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
Anyone can make a bridge that can stand, it takes an Civil Engineer to make a bridge that can barely stand.
Structural engineering is the art of molding materials we don’t wholly understand, into shapes we can’t fully analyze, so as to withstand forces we can’t really assess, in such a way that the community at large has no reason to suspect the extent of our ignorance.” – James E. Amrhein
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? Nothing. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.
Programmer goes to shop for groceries, wife tells him: “Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” So he comes back home with a dozen gallons of milk and says: “They had eggs.”
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation; “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.” (The statistician isn’t bothered; his expectation was approximately correct.)
Einstein Newton and Pascal are playing hid and go seek and it’s Einstein’s turn to count. So Einstein starts counting and Pascal goes off to hide, but Newton just stands there and calmly draws a box around himself in the dirt. Einstein finishes counting sees Newton immediately and tells him that he is it. Newton responds “No Einstein, you just found one Newton per meter square. Pascal’s it.”
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting. The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer. “Let me take the first shot!” said the engineer, who missed the bear by three metres to the left. “You’re incompetent! Let me try” insisted the physicist, who then proceeded to miss by three metres to the right. “Ooh, we got him!!” said the statistician.
How do you know there’s a tenor at your door?
They don’t have the right key and they never know when to come in.
Jokes 11 – 20
Silence for 5 seconds
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”. The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that’s a hardware problem.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone “this behavior is by design”
How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”. The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.” The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”. The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”. The programmer said “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”
Once there were 3 people who stayed in a hotel: An Engineer, a Physician, and a Mathematician. It was night time, and suddenly the room caught fire. First the Engineer woke up, saw the fire poured a bucket of water, extinguished it and went to sleep again.
The room once again caught fire. This time physicist woke up, saw the fire, took the bucket of water, calculate the projectile trajectory, optimized the water usage and put off the fire.
The room however once again caught fire. This time mathematician woke up, saw the fire, thought for a minute, mumbled ‘ Ah! A solution exists‘ and went back to sleep
“What’s the object-oriented way to become wealthy?”
A programmer to his friends (also programmers): “I met a hot girl last night. I brought her home and we began kissing furiously. I sat her on the keyboard and …”. All friends in unison said “You’ve got a computer at home? What’s the RAM of it?”
Jokes 21 – 30
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I join you?”
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says “Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!” “That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”. “So? What’s that got to do with anything?” asked the lady. He replied “We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.
Why was Heisenberg unsuccessful in bed?
Because when he knew position, he didn’t have momentum, and when he had momentum, he didn’t know position
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 of a beer. The third, 1/4 of a beer. The fourth, 1/8 of a beer. Before the fifth mathematician can place his order, the bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/(1!) of a beer. The third, 1/(2!) of a beer. The fourth, 1/(3!) of a beer. Before the fifth mathematician can place his order, the bartender says, “You’d better have a rational way to pay this bill!”
A finite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders 1 beer. The second orders 1 beer. The third orders 1 beer. The fourth orders 1 beer. Before the fifth mathematician can place his order, the bartender says, “Finally, some normal people!”
A pizza with depth a and radius z has a volume of pi z z a.
Jokes 31 – 40
Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one another. The first one exclaims, “Oh no! I think I’ve lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?” says the second atom.
“Yes, I’m positive!”
A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:
“You’re late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?”
The mathematician responds:
“People’s lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office.”
The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:
“You’re late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?”
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:
“I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I’ve reduced it to a problem I’ve already solved.”
The functions are having a party. Everyone is having fun, except for e^x off in the corner by himself. The host comes up to him and says, “Enjoy yourself! Integrate!”
e^x responds, “That won’t change anything!”
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, “Excuse me,professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn’t care.
Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.
There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river that was only 3 feet deep. On average.
A wealthy man wanted to devise a model which would let him predict accurately which horse was going to win in a race. He hired a team of biologists, a team of mathematician and a team of physicists. After a few months the biologists came up with a model. ‘ We would breed the fastest and strongest horse and then you can win all the races. We need 10 years and 10 billion USD for the work.’ They were sent back home. Next the mathematicians said they would predict the chances of a particular horse winning accurate upto 20%. They were discarded too. Now it was the turn of the physicists. ‘ Well we have come up with a very cost-effective and great plan, first let us assume each horse is a rolling sphere….’
Gold walks into a bar. The bartender says “A u, get outta here.”
Jokes 41 – 50
At last the genes of shyness have been found. They would’ve been found earlier, they were hiding behind another pair of genes!’
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make me look fat ?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says “make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
Helium walks into a bar,
The bar-tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.
An infrared photon walks into a bar and says “Is it hot in here or it is just me.”
Schroedinger’s Cat walks into a bar…and doesn’t.
A statistician walks into just your average bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve statisticians.” The statistician says, “Well you’re just mean.”
Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.”
The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too”
— and he died.
Jokes 51 – 60
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
I would make another chemistry joke but all good ones ARGON!
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like.. ..”OMg”
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though
A weed scientist goes into a shop….
Scientist: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase?
Shopkeeper: “You mean Roundup?”
Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”
A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman’s breasts.
“Hey!” she says. “Those are private!”
The man says, “But we’re in the same class!”
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop walks up to him and says, “Welcome sir, do you have any bags I can take for you?” The Photon replies, “Nope– I’m traveling light!”
Your mama’s drinks are so high proof, they end with QED.
Your mama’s skin is so lumpy, the bacteria on it undergoes allopatric speciation.
Your mama’s so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Jokes 61 – 70
Your mama’s so historically illiterate, she thought the Pact of Steel was between Mussolini and Superman.
Your mama’s so oily, America’s going to democratize her.
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Q: Why is beer never served at a math party?
A: Because you can’t drink and derive.
Q: Why did the noble gas cry?
A: Because all his friends Argon
Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?
A: They were right for each other
Q: What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A: A slipped disk
Q: How can you tell if a computer geek is an extrovert?
A: They stare at your shoes when you talk instead of their own.
Q: Why did the programmer use the entire bottle of shampoo during one shower?
A: Because the bottle said “Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”
Bertrand Russell comes out of the hospital where his wife has just given birth. A journalist comes up to him and excitedly asks: “Is it a girl or a boy?” Bertrand Russell replies: “Yes.”
Jokes 71 – 80
Q: Why was the Calculus teacher bad at baseball?
A: He was better at fitting curves than hitting them
Q: What did Argon do when Copper insulted him?
A: Argon had no reaction.
Q: Why is Ms. Radian such a good reporter?
A: She covers the story from every angle
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes
Windows Vista supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously.
The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed Linux.
Q: What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe?
A: Ouch, Mitosis!
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Q: What do Biologists wear on their heads when playing Football?
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Q: Why can you never trust atoms?
A: They make up everything!
A udp packet walks into a bar. the bartender doesn’t acknowledge him.
Jokes 81 – 90
Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It’s a hardware problem.
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Q: What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of Helium?
I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
Q: What washes up on beaches?
Unix is user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
Jokes 91 – 100
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Q: What is another name for a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness
Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
A: He’s 0K now
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium hydride?
Q: Why can’t cats work on the computer?
A: They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
My attitude isn’t bad. It’s in beta.
Q: How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house?
A: Welcome to 127.0.0.1
Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
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While working as a researcher in distributed systems, Dr. Christian Mayer found his love for teaching computer science students.
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